Stolen shamelessly from tMP

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said,”Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

So there I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

A full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that’s Aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’”

I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said “Are you two an item?”.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said Eurostar?”. I said “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

A Penguin walks into a pub and says to the barman “Has my brother been in?” Barman says “I dunno, what’s he look like?”

The Random selection of one-liners by David Rutt, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.0 UK: England License.